Life in Maine

[Ken Hutchins]

Subject: Maine..."the way life should be...."



Maine Turnpike will hand out "Welcome to Vacationland" informational flyers to all vehicles entering the state bearing New Jersey , New York or Connecticut license plates. Here are the rules for visiting Maine:



1. That slope shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.



2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slowly you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. We have a four wheel drive because we need it. Now drive or get it out of the way.



3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.



4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women.



5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.



6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time!



7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Order a two pound lobster and steamers. Or, if you still want vegetables, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.



8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.



9. You bring Coke into our houses, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.



10. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar skidders to pull logs out of the woods.



11. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. Hell, we may even stop when it is green if we see something interesting across the road.



12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So, you say you're a feminist. Isn't that cute? By the way, Margaret Chase Smith, Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins have represented Maine in the U.S. Senate. How many women have represented your feminist-enlightened state?



13. Yeah, we eat lobster, scallops, clams and haddock, too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.



14. They are pigs and they are cows. That's what they smell like. Get used to it. Don't like it? Interstate 95 & Maine Turnpike go two ways....get on the Southbound Lane !



15. "Opening day" refers to the first days of fishin' and deer season'. They are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church. At 3:00a.m.



16. So what if every person in every pickup waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept where you come from?



17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.



18. Chowder is supposed to be white. Don't even think of asking for red chowder until you are somewhere safely south of White Plains



19. All the boats in Maine point in the same direction because that's what harbor Masters are trained to do.



20. The farthest you got is Ogunquit? That isn't the real Maine . That's Northern Massachusetts .



21. Yeah, the paper mill emits a smell like rotting cabbage. Do you want it closed down? Bad odor means good people are working.



22. Bar Harbor, Camden and K ennebunkport are really tourist traps which no self-respecting real Mainer visits but we won't tell you that because we need your money.



23. The "Moose Crossing Next 14 Miles" signs on I-95 are no joke. Police concluded statistically you have a greater chance of getting killed in a car-moose collision than getting shot by a mugger in Manhattan .



24. Cars with Massachusetts license plates should be treated with great caution as everyone in Maine knows that Massholes can't drive properly.



Welcome to Maine - The Way Life Should Be

[Thorne]

Wot, no leaf-peeper rants???

;0 )

[Bruce Hooke]

Man, that's a bit angrier than most such things I've seen!

Whoever wrote that clearly hasn't spent much time hanging around places like the Common Ground Fair! :D No shortage of vegetarian specials and exotic teas there! Of course those organic farmers (male and female) could whup your average fried-food-fed man or women!

[huisjen]

Ayup.

Dan

[uncas]

Dan, I'm not sure whether you are old enough to remember. Maine did the same thing when I was at college. I used to get them when I passed to and from Orono on I95..
I used to get a kick out of one questions which asked how much money I planned to spend in the state?
Lets see, we could start off with college tuition...add room and board...and go on from there.

[Tylerdurden]

Well said, and the part about Ogunquit is 100% true. In a sense Maine doesn't start until past Portland.

[Stu Fyfe]

Maine.......Ya gotta love it!

[rbgarr]

'When the tide goes out, tell the tourists to run away because 'It's the sign of a monster tidal wave coming!''

'If lobster trap buoys are sticking straight up out of the water that means the traps are full of lobsters.'

[Nicholas Scheuer]

That sure as H- - - doesn't include everyone I've met there.

My exposure started with with a three-year Army enlistment, serving at a Nike site at Loring AFB.

Moby Nick

[Fitz]

Mr. Huisjen

You must be from Away. The correct pronunciation is "Ayuh".

:p

A-Yup comes from out in the heartland or some freakin place. Maybe the Andy Griffith show. I can't recall.

If ya don't believe me, then Google it. Here's a wicked good prima on mainiac lingo:

http://www.laughmaine.com/Confused_Are_You.html

[ahp]

I resent that remark about Massachusetts drivers. I was a Massachusetts driver, Boston Yet, for 34 years. I only consider myself a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10 as a Boston driver but I make a Californian cringe. We are good!

[bamamick]

folks don't have sweet tea. That's just plain silly. Next you'll be telling me you don't have grits :)!

And I like Camden, as long as it's late October through April. It is a lovely town.

As far as the rest of it goes you can pretty much transcribe 'Maine' and 'Alabama' and that is the way most natives feel about things. Come and visit, spend your money, and be sure that you leave when your money is pretty much all spent. I have always felt that a native of Maine should be right at home in my state. It's a bit hotter in the summertime, but there is little possibility of freezing to death during the winter so it evens out. The only thing that might cause a problem is those funny accent the Mainers have. You know, sometimes it is just plain difficult to understand what y'all are saying.

Mickey Lake

[Tylerdurden]

I resent that remark about Massachusetts drivers. I was a Massachusetts driver, Boston Yet, for 34 years. I only consider myself a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10 as a Boston driver but I make a Californian cringe. We are good!

I too. am a trained Masshole driver. Massholes drive offensively, get them before they get you. Up here you cannot drive like that.
I catch myself reverting all the time and I have to stop myself.
You can resent that remark but its true, and the resentment is the second part Mainers hate. I am sure you have seen the restore Boston stickers. People come up here and want to change things to suit them. I am on the Mainers side on this issue all the way.

[uncas]

Camden is okay. I prefer the outer reaches...North haven and Vinal Haven..Muscongus Bay, Sunset, Isle au Haut, Anywhere east of Baaa Habaa...as that is the imaginary fence line for most tourists. They don't often go further east than that.

[ssor]

Uncas, When did I95 extend from Bangor to Orono. I was there in '58-'59 and there was no interstate then. In those days killing a moose was more of a crime than killing a New Yorker. ;)

[uncas]

Before '71
I was at Orono from 72-76..and then some because I was working under contract with the US Fish and Wildlife Service through '77.

[ssor]

Dow AFB was my reason for being there and that was closed not too long after I shipped out.

[Tristan]

I been over to Bailey's Island, selling lobstahs. I've et a lot of fried haddock sandwitches and clam chowdah, I've had lobstah salad on the porch of the Elijah Kellogg House (spent a few nights there when my wife's cousin was minister at the church). My friend Hermia Morse lives out on Morse Point, so does her brother. The last lobstah boat her father built sits in her front yard. I love the Maine coast and my friends up there. I'm a Florida Cracker. You got a problem with that?

[uncas]

Ah heck. No one can appreciate Maine until they have spent at least two winters there. LOL.

[ahp]

Tyler, Now that I live in Georgia I also find that these unenlighted Rebels don't like it when we from Massachusetts show them a better way to do things. No apologies! We will keep doing it because we know better. They are a bit slow but they will come to agree with us in time.

[uncas]

ahp
This is not a political thread. Don't make it one :)

[Tristan]

Ah heck. No one can appreciate Maine until they have spent at least two winters there. LOL.

I lived a few winters in Melrose Mass., ate a lot of clams, blueberry pie, watched geese fly south for the winter. I love it all. Got relatives in Georgia an/ North Carolina too, and it seems to me that those cawnbread eaters ain't no better and no worse than Mainiacs or Codfish eaters from Massatusits.:D:D:D

[uncas]

Tristan
Regardless of the fact that Melrose is one of my middle names, Melrose MA ain't Maine.

[Bill R]

"In those days killing a moose was more of a crime than killing a New Yorker. ;)"

I think it still is...:D

[Bill R]

as to not offend anyone...

I am an EX- New Yorker.

Sort of. Upstate NY, not that polluted hellhole in the SE corner of the state;)

[JimConlin]

I haven't the words to adequately describe the cold.

At Orono on January, when going to and from classes, we charted routes through buildings to get out of the cold. I have a certain fondness still for the Physics and Education buildings. The temp. would go below zero for a week ot two straight. My ultimate experience, though, was in Franklin County when it got really cold, like 30 or 35 below. The big suspense was over whether the pipes would freeze or the car would start.

I had my fill of Maine winters.

[TomF]

I haven't the words to adequately describe the cold.

At Orono on January, when going to and from classes, we charted routes through buildings to get out of the cold. I have a certain fondness still for the Physics and Education buildings. The temp. would go below zero for a week ot two straight. My ultimate experience, though, was in Franklin County when it got really cold, like 30 or 35 below. The big suspense was over whether the pipes would freeze or the car would start.

I had my fill of Maine winters.Jim, conditioning is everything. My first winter in New Brunswick (we're North of most of Maine), I walked 'round with my coat open most of the time. Coming from Edmonton (where elementary schools didn't have an indoor recess 'till -25; frequently 3 weeks where it never warmed above -35), it didn't really seem too bad. Lots more snow, though.

My blood's thinned a bit in the past 3 years - I do up my coat now. And wear a hat. But if you put me into the South alongside Chad or MMike, my brain would melt and run out my ears.

t.

[Keith Wilson]

Yeah, Maine doesn't get very cold, even inland. (I'm half a degree north of Bah Hahbah right now) Edmonton, now, that's cold even by my standards.But if you put me into the South alongside Chad or MMike, my brain would melt and run out my ears.Nothin' left but a puddle; I know the feeling.

[TomF]

Keith, the scary part about Edmonton was that it had the localized warming effect of all reasonable sized cities. About 10 degrees warmer than the countryside.

I sang in the Edmonton opera chorus with a dairy farmer ... whose stories about fixing the pump to water the cows at -45 make me freeze even now.

[Bruce Hooke]

Growing up in the Twin Cities, I was on the high school cross country ski team. Practice was cancelled if the wind chill dropped below -65 F. To tell you the truth, I was much happier at -20 F (real air temp, not wind chill) than at +95 F. :D

I don't know how folks stand the heat down south in the summer...

[uncas]

Jim..it wasn't the cold at Orono. It was the fog. We had to count steps because we couldn't see anything.
Still remember 263 steps from say York Dorm to Nutting Hall.
Amy ;ess you weren't there, any more you passed it.

[Fitz]

My kid brotha dun gadeated from the Versecity.

Coldest I eva remember was a spell back in the 80's, up north in the western mountains. Minus 40F without the wind. Course the wind was blowin' a heap on toppah that, and the snow was blowin all sideways ahbout, so that just as shure as the Almighty made little green apples done pushed the chill down around -90F. The woodstove was doin all it could to keep uhp!! Mutha was just a pumpin' the hardwood into-a just as fast as pa could split it!

Only one or two pick-uhps in the whole areah would crank ovah.

Ain't been a winter like that since that fella Al Gore started in a flappin' about global warmin.

[JimConlin]

Jim..it wasn't the cold at Orono. It was the fog. We had to count steps because we couldn't see anything.


I recollect some paved sidewalks at UMO, a recent refinement in 1961.

[Tristan]

I had a lady assistant professor come down (to U. of Miami) from Orono to take my graduate course in Marine Biology. She was about 32 I guess. One winter night the class camped down at Flamingo (s. tip of Florida, on the edge of Florida Bay). On this particular trip she brought her boyfriend, an undergrad student about 20, also from Orono. It was cold enough that mosquitoes were not a problem, so I slept on the ground, wrapped in a tarp. Over where the students had set up their tents, she and a few of the others got pretty drunk and began making jokes about their professor (me). About that time a damned raccoon grabbed my breakfast, a bag containing sandwiches and an orange which I had stashed under the edge of the tarp, and ran up a tree with it. The little bastid proceeded to eat the sandwiches, pull the peeling off the orange and eat it, and threw the trash down onto my tarp. Of course that gave the students more to laugh about. They eventually crawled into a tent and passed out. I got my revenge the next day with I dragged their sorry butts out of that tent and we all trooped off into the mangroves for several hours. Ever tramp through a mangrove swamp with a hangover?

[Steve Lansdowne]

What time do the moose come by?

[uncas]

Jim
How many times did you cut across the mall as the sidewalks never went where you wanted to go? :)

[ahp]

Tristan, I cannot imagine what is like to tramp through a mangrove swamp drunk, hung-over or sober.

Seriously, Maine can be beatiful, but it is cold too much of the time. don't fall overboard either, anytime. The other thing is that making a living up there is getting worse. For one thing the big paper companys that ran the tree plantations are getting out. Life in Maine can be pretty grim if you need to make your money there.

[JimConlin]

Jim
How many times did you cut across the mall as the sidewalks never went where you wanted to go? :)
After I bailed out of engineering (There were two females in the freshman class), i didn't need to go to the East side of the mall.
There was a worn path across the tundra to Cumberland Hall.

[Hwyl]

Ken obviously started this thread while I was away, thinking he could pull a fast one.

I feel like using a Joe like bwa ha ha, or even the LOL.

Someone from New Hampshire thinking they know Maine. Words fail me.

Seriously, some pretty offensive stuff in there, but no offense was intended, I'm sure.

[Mrleft8]

Someone from New Hampshire thinking they know Maine. Words fail me.


Kinda like someone from the U.K. thinking they know Maine, even if they happen to reside there at present, eh? ;)

[uncas]

I think I'll go listen to my " Bert and I " records now...

[Hwyl]

Ken obviously started this thread while I was away, thinking he could pull a fast one.

I feel like using a Joe like bwa ha ha, or even the LOL.

Someone from New Hampshire thinking they know Maine. Words fail me.

Seriously, some pretty offensive stuff in there, but no offense was intended, I'm sure.


The general attitude here is "at least you're not from Mass'.

[Ken Hutchins]

The general attitude here is "at least you're not from Mass'.

:D That is a place to be from, never admit it, never to go back, just occasionally pass thru.:D

[Joe Dupere]

Maine? I love it. I moved here on purpose!! I came here from North
Carolina, it's just too hot there and it doesn't get cold enough in the winters. Well, at least down on the fringes of the Great Dismal Swamp where I used to live, it may be different up in the Smokies.
I love the four seasons here, where I used to live was hot and humid,
for half the year, and the other half was cold and clammy.

UMaine students are being bred to handle the cold better than when most of ya'll were here. At least that's what it seems like. No matter how cold it gets there are still guys walking around in t-shirts and no coats, and girls in miniskirts and sandals with their midriffs showing.
I must admit though, a blue, goose-pimpled belly button just isn't all that appealing!!

I do miss southern girls in the summer!

Joe, FPoP

P.S. And you can get grits in Maine, my wife cooked some for breakfast just this morning, and not that fake Quaker Quick Grits stuff neither!!

[mulletbucket]

Our women keep a jug of sweet tea in the truck with them.

[Dan Lindberg]

The Twin Cities, MN is too far south to get cold, we only get below 0 F sometimes and then only for a couple weeks. But up North, near the Canadian border, 30 and 40 below is typical, and -60/62 (?) the record, air not wind. That's cold. My neighbor up there at the time worked for Outward Bound, and he was winter camping the weekend the resord was set.

Dan

[ishmael]

It's been so mild here, I've forgotten the need of a parka. But, like taxes, it's coming.

This is a great place to live, Maine. Shh, don't tell people! The southern part of the state has been inflitrated by MA, and the politics reflect a certain liberal bias brought by the furiners, but people are pretty copacetic hereabouts. The Democrats are in charge of the statehouse, so we spend too much.

I'll tell ya, of all the places I've lived Maine has the most generous of heart. People don't show it, showy like, but when push comes to shove, count on a Mainer. They'll do everything in their power to help. Generous, honest folk, for the most part.

[Truckmen]

This was a great post. I LOVED reading it and all of the comments. :-)

Ralph

[Dave R]

No comment. I like the folks I've met wo live in Maine.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/143/327090282_1fefa26bcb.jpg

[S.V. Airlie]

Dave..
Pick up some " Bert and I " records. Not sure if they are on tape. You will get a kick out of them...:D

[Dave R]

I'll look. I'm taking my father to Maine in August. We think it's a pretty alright place to go.

[S.V. Airlie]

Dave.. Marshall Dodge and Bob Bryan put them out in the 60's early 70's. Paid their way through Divinity School at Yale.
They are classics.

[rbgarr]

Hey Ken! I'm from Massachusetts. I'm a M*ssh*le. No sense denying it.

Cape Cod and where I grew up (Lincoln and Concord near Walden Pond) were nice.... forty years ago. Fitz lives there and he likes it still.

[NealmCarter]

I got screwed outa a land purchase in Maine because the neighbors didnt want a stranger moving in....redneck A holes!

[rbgarr]

Must have been the Beans in Egypt. They screw everyone.

[Cuyahoga Chuck]

Uh-yup!

[Ken Hutchins]

Hey Ken! I'm from Massachusetts. I'm a M*ssh*le. No sense denying it.

Cape Cod and where I grew up (Lincoln and Concord near Walden Pond) were nice.... forty years ago. Fitz lives there and he likes it still.


I should not admit this, but I rememble that myself.:o :o :o :o But I have been gone enough to almost be a New Hampshire native.:D :D :D :D

[Fitz]

I grew up in the mountains of Maine, and even have found memories of helping Pa dig the hole for the commode, but I can't claim to be "native". Yep, I live a stone's throw from Walden now, and paddle rbgarr's homewaters of Fairhaven Bay frequently, it was the biggest piece of woods I could find, but I still consider myself a Mainer-in-Exile. I keep trying to convince the woman I married that we really otta live in a place promoting "The Way Life Should Be" to no avail. If you ask me where home is, I still say Maine.

I get back to feed the black flies every chance I get.

[S.V. Airlie]

But I have been gone enough to almost be a New Hampshire native.
(Ken)

Will always remember that obit in the Portland paper.

John Doe, 101. Although Mr. Doe wasn't a native, he moved to Portland at two months and never left except for a brief stint in the army during WW2......

[S.V. Airlie]

For your information.. Maine Humor..

Most of you are probably aware that I am a Californian only by circumstance. I’d rather be a New Englander, where I was born and raised. I miss weather. In Northern California, it turns kinda chilly but all the snow falls in Donner Pass; it’s too warm in the Bay Area to get anything but rain, and we don’t get a lot of that, either. Mark Twain put it best in Roughing It.

I miss understated New England humor. Admittedly, I miss just about anything understated, but I very much miss Yankee humor.

People from New Hampshire, Maine, and Vermont, the three states generally acknowledged to be the most New England-y, are generally assumed to be a taciturn, humorless lot, but that’s a misapprehension. It’s just they that have a dry, understated humor that is very unlike New York’s Jerry Seinfeld-style neuroticism and Los Angeles’ Carrey-esque manic energy. It’s something that takes a little while to appreciate if you haven’t grown up with it. It doesn’t translate well to television because there’s a subtlety about it, and successful TV has to be broad to be successful.

Some of the best Yankee humor to be found is the work of Marshall Dodge and Bob Bryan, in a series of recordings about a pair of characters; Bert and the unnamed narrator. The first of these, Bert and I, was recorded in 1958, and effectively captures the nature of good Yankee humor. Of course, these days, it’s difficult to find much in the way of rural New England, and even harder to find a lobster fisherman who is actually breaking even. But the essence of Bert and I is the straight delivery of funny material, and the New England tale-swapping tradition.

The point of a long story joke is that it leads you towards a certain conclusion and then substitutes another, unexpected ending onto it. Some of my favorite story jokes are from Bert and I, simply because they are well-told, and the ending is funny every time. And enduring appeal is something that much humor lacks (where now former king of "comedy" Andrew Dice Clay?).

But the albums aren’t just stories. There are also short exchanges, such as The Long Hill:

"I don’t know about your farm in Maine, mister, I have a ranch in Texas that is so large that it takes me five days to drive around my entire spread."

"I have a car just like that myself."

Not terribly funny on paper, but Marshall Dodge’s delivery is nothing short of elegant. From the long Gagnon, World Champeen Moose Caller and The Body in the Kelp to all thirty-one hilarious seconds of The Silent Chainsaw, Bert and I records are full of refreshingly original laughter, even years after they were recorded.

Later albums became more topical: Bert and I Stem Inflation lacks some of the timeless quality of the earlier two records, but they are worth listening to even still.

And the icing on the cake is that the Bert and I company is real old-fashioned in some of the more pleasant ways. I ordered their two CDs which have the four essential Bert and I records on them, but their shipping rates had changed from the brochure I got. So what did they do? Well, they sent me the CDs anyway, along with a note saying I owed them a dollar. How many multimillion dollar conglomerates would have done the same? So I made sure I added an extra dollar the next time I made an order. Old-fashioned, and I have to admit, charming.

[Fitz]

If I recall correctly, I saw one of Dodge's last performances. He did a show at my high school. Shortly thereafter, he was struck by a car and killed while riding his bike in Hawaii (late 1980's).

"Had to shoot my dog today"

"Why? Was he mad?"

"Weren't to damned pleased".

:cool:

[S.V. Airlie]

Fitz.. He was killed in '82...Riding a bike.. hit and run.
Ran into his dad about two weeks after it happened.. That's why I remember the year. Hard to believe it was that long ago.
Hard to believe the records have been out for 50 yrs.:rolleyes:

Just googled Bert and I, Inc.. records are now on CD...

[kharee]

I had a once had a wife who was from Hollywood,CA. She went to John Marshall High School. I took her to Paris, TN to visit my father. She was surprised to see how many people knew me and that I knew as we drove through town. After a good laugh I finally had to tell the truth. I told her I didn't know everybody on front porches and in pick-up trucks. People in Paris are just friendly and they do like to wave. But its a real friendliness. If you got car trouble, you got help. Your # sixteen really takes me back home. Maine is sounds like a good place to call home.

[Tristan]

Small town folks can be friendly and helpful whereever. My wife and I broke down in some small town in Alabama one Sat night. The battery discharge light had come on. We found a motel, got directions to a fellow that did car repair, the next AM (Sunday) we drove to his place, driving on the battery. Battery died just as we got there, so we coasted in. A miracle, he was there, working on a car. Managed to get us a new alternator and install it, quick charged our battery, all in an hour or so. We had $50 cash (to get us back to VA) and our check book. He didn't want to take a check but when I offered him the $50 plus the balance in a check he said, "Well, you need that $50 to get you back home, I'll take a check this time."

[S.V. Airlie]

Don't know the name of the company.. just the story.

A guy was heading through Maine on Rte. 1.. Made it to Rockland and then his car died. Now this wasn't just a chevy or a ford.. I'm not sure but just say it was a relatively fancy sports car.. Anyway, it died as he pulled into a garage.. a one man operation. The mechanic looked at it.. scratched a minute, figured out what the problem was and told the traveler..Well, I know what the problem is but I won't be able to get a part for at least a week. The traveler was a bit upset as he had to go to a meeting down near Ellsworth and he could not miss. it. The mechanic listened to this and finally asked how long the traveler expected to be traveling.. The businessman said about a week. Without blinking an eye, the mechanic went into the shop, brought out the keys to his old truck and told the guy. Here, take my truck. It isn't the fanciest thing on the road but it will get ya where you are going. Just bring it back in a week and pick up your car.
So, long story.. The businessman borrowed the truck Went to his meeting etc. and came back in a week to pick up his car. He was so impressed with the friendliness and willingnes to help a stranger, he moved his entire business to Camden. And it was a BIG business.
So, small towns....

[seedy]

After I bought my Melonseed I went towing it around up there, and decided to check in at WoodenBoat's HQ. Was out there driving down a back road in the evening and this pickup kept following me. I finally ran out of road, decided to get out and look at the water.

The fellow driving the pickup did the same. At first I went uh-oh.

He turned out to live there, wanted to talk about the boat, and when he heard I had a broken spar, told me he'd leave his shop unlocked to I could make a new one, since he had to go away the next day. Told me to make sure I closed the door when I was done since he'd be gone for some time.

He overestimated my abilities and ambition, but I was moved by his kind offer. The next day I found a boatbuilder down the coast who was willing to help me make a quickie out of some fir stair-rail from the local lumber supply.

A great place if you're on the up-and-up, and not so if you're not.