Story Time

[huisjen]

We haven't had one in a while, and we need to break in the new digs.

Once upon a time, in a small fishing town, there lived a man with a...

[TomF]

... limp. My cousin Joe and I called him Ahab, but it seemed to us that the man never actually set foot aboard a ship, though he gimped his way along the wharf every morning, swearing at the gulls.

[huisjen]

Ahab collected cans and bottles from the roadside, and would buy potted meat and sardines with the money. On special occasions, he'd...

[Joe Dupere]

fart, probably because of the sardines and potted meat. But that never
stopped him from going to the end of the pier and ..

[Norman Bernstein]

... taking a satisfying leak, right into the ocean. However, on this particular morning, he turned around as he heard a noise behind him, and.....

[TomF]

found himself eye to ... uhm, head with the biggest, orneriest gull he'd ever seen. More than a little anxious at the potential for providing an avian snack, he...

[Another One]

. . . quickly broke into a dramatic recitation of Homer's Odyssey, hoping to distract his audience from more personal attentions. As a crown gathered to enjoy this spectacle . . . .

[Joe Dupere]

a crowd gathered to enjoy the spectacle of a crown enjoying a spectacle. Taking advantage of the gathering crown/crowd, Ahab ducked behind a....

[TomF]

...rubbish-collecting bag, after finishing God's business. Hurling abuse and empty potted meat tins to disperse the crowd, Ahab's gaze was suddenly drawn to ...

(edited because of a cross posting ... which made my initial response more lewd than intended!)

[Another One]

a lovely sloop entering the harbour, carrying . . .

[Popeye]

.. a bunch of stuff , like boxes or whatever tied onto the deck ,

[huisjen]

And crewed by Ahab's long lost girlfriend, Jezebel.

[Popeye]

"Jezebel"! shouted Ahab.

As the sloop drew closer , Ahab's heart sank , Jezebel ,you see, was nothing more than a cardboard cutout of his girlfriend Jezebel , and with that a gust of wind buckled poor Jezzy over and off she floated over the gentle waves

[Another One]

towards the waiting crowd. The gulls, seeing a wonderfull opportunity, took wing towards the bobbing Jezzy-clone . . .

[TomF]

Ahab quietly reflected that even as a real woman, rather than a cardboard cutout, Jezebel had always seemed rather two dimensional.

[Popeye]

Ahab put his hands in his pockets and fumbled , trying to understand the moment ..

[huisjen]

...rather than stepping out of the way of the bowsprit.

[Popeye]

..he dropped his boys and lept out of the way..

[TomF]

... but was interrupted by a colossal crunch, as the sloop hit the pier. "That's how my leg got hurt the first time" muttered Ahab. "Damned sloop." For as the vessel turned in the breeze, the name on its trailboards came into view.

Pequod.

[Another One]

Meanwhile, the still-circling gulls noticed that when viewed from above, Ahab's male pattern baldness created a target pattern . . .

[TomF]

Plop. Then again ... plop. Seemingly pursued by both sloop and gulls, Ahab hobbled quickly along the pier, trying to reach the relative safety of ...

[TomF]

Plop. And plop again ... the aim was getting better. Ahab, pursued both by gulls and sloop, hobbled off towards the relative safety of ...

[huisjen]

...the public restroom at the head of the pier.

Just then, Cousin Joe showed up in his...

[Another One]

scummy green 1968 VW Beetle semi-automatic, named "Oscar." In it's normal state of slight mechanical distress, Oscar didn't quite stop in time, bumping into the wall of Ahab's chosen retreat . . .

[Meerkat]

which was liberally coated with beach vulture bombs.

[Hughman]

The building surrounding the toilet shifted a little as Oscar nuzzled playfully, jamming the door shut. Ahab, busy dousing his head in the washbasin....

[Popeye]

" Billions of billious barbecued blue blistering barnacles!" , Bellowed Ahab ,

"Bell-Bottomed Balderdash! Blunderbuss! Bodysnatcher! Bootlegger! Borgia! Bougainvillea! Brat! Breathalyser! Brigands! Brutes! Bucaneers! Bully! Butcher!"

He cursed from underneath the capsized commode.

"Carpetsellers!" , He continued.

[TomF]

"Carpetsellers!" , He continued. "Carpetsellers, castaways, cranky Caliphs and crotchety crapshooters."

"And Crap. Gallons and gallons of Crap. Cousin Joe, what'd you do that for?"

Joe smiled widely, as he watched Ahab try to clean himself up. "You missed a Tidbit" he said.

[Popeye]

"Sorry about the little mishap" , Joe grinned broadly as he handed Ahab a monogrammed hankie , "I guess my camera phone had me distracted back there, that and my power buffer and trying to hold onto the steering wheel at the same time" .

Ahab smiled as he mopped the crap from his brow and offered Joe his hankie back.

"Uh , that's ok" , said Joe as he scurried around the wharf collecting up the last few cans of lemon pledge , "You can keep it".

[TomF]

Ahab and Cousin Joe (who wisely stood upwind) turned and contemplated the sloop Pequod, whose bowsprit was now amiably grinding through the hull of a fiberglass, roughly boat-shaped monstrosity. If Jezebel hadn't been at the helm, then who had been? Where had they gone?

And why had they left a life-sized, bikini-clad cardboard cutout to stand watch?

[Popeye]

the fiberglass monstrosity boatlike thing, once scuttled, slide off the bowsprit of the Pequod , tipped over, caught on fire , melted into a blob and sank , forever banished to the fortress deep , all that remained was an unceremonious .. 'bloop' .. sound and a thin slick of pina coloda party mix

suddenly , the putrid stench of a thousand foul sallee rovers filled the air , the hatch of the Pequod opened and the swarthy Cap'n and buxom crew emerged , all naked as jay birds ..

[Joe Dupere]

and holding nets full of Dolly Vardens. "Joe" the captain screamed, "take these damn things to a cold spring on the Hudson and drown them!!". With that he turned to his scantily clad buxom crew member and pulled on a loose bikini thread. "Wicked Weasel!!" he yelled, and turned....

[Popeye]

.. and grabbed his tiller ..

[Sailor]

only to realise that it was not nearly as long as he thought it was. The lack of torque made it difficult to steer and he was therefore unable to......

[huisjen]

...dodge the seagulls, who had wheeled around for another pass. This time, however, Ahab was ready for them. Taking Joe's hankie in hand, he...

[rbhawk]

...scooped up three big handfuls of screws, twisted the hankie closed around them and loaded it up in the swivel gun. Pointing to the center of the flock, he touched her off, and...

[Hughman]

simultaneously fornicated three dozen seagulls with stainless #10 Mcfeelys

[Peter Malcolm Jardine]

Suddenly, a sail appeared on the horizon...Ahab blanched as he quickly recognized the ship as belonging to...

[Popeye]

.. the Canard line of shipping, Ahab recalled how, in his lost youth of yesteryear how he used to work for Canard , but alas , in his Autumn years he did not work for Canard ..

[huisjen]

Why if it wasn't for that unfortunate incident with the hershey's syrup, the bungie cords, and the rowing machine, he might still work for Canard. No, not the Cunard cruise line, but Canard, the lame duck freight company, shipping Devil Duckies to the needy around the world.

http://www.gargoylestore.com/pirate_duck.jpg

Ah, but the hershey's syrup...

It was all Jezebels fault really. It had been her idea after all to...

[TomF]

... make that exercize video/S&M flick. Who'd have thought that there were so many, uhm, interested internet viewers for chocolate syrup and bungy sports?

I mean, as Jezebel writhed, Hershey-slicked and bungy-strapped to the rowing machine... could any reasonable person imagine that the company President would manage to glimpse the tiny little Canard logo tattood on Jezebel's ...

[TomF]

... uhm, kneecap. Yeah, that's where it was. A sweet little pirate duck, made ever sweeter by a dollop of chocolaty goodness. Then both their jobs had gone poof ... though with Jezebel's other talents, she'd managed to land on her ... (ahem)

But now that same lame pirate duck logo emblazoned the sail of the approaching ...

[Popeye]

.. boat ..

[huisjen]

..., closely followed by a...

[TomF]

'nother boat and ...

[Another One]

another, with twin 20" stainless replicas of one of "Capt. Aubrey's"
prized, bronze 9 pounders displayed prominently on either side of the duckie.

[huisjen]

...and crewmen preparing to demonstrate that these were more than mere ornaments. They touched the flame to the primers just as...

[TomF]

...cousin Joe prepared his camera-phone to preserve the moment. The flash of the muzzle blast was only ...

[Joe Dupere]

a millisecond before Ahab let loose with another one of his prodigious potted meat and sardine farts.
The resulting explosion when the flames of the nine pounder met Ahab's malodorous gaseous emissions seemed like mushroom clouds over the Potomac. The Department of Homeland Security immediately.....

[Another One]

arranged for someone to show up in a flight suit to lift moral, and issued a statement decrying Ahab's tactical errors . . .

[huisjen]

...and rushed the VP to an undisclosed location.

With that the fleet dropped anchor and sent a message by semophore and flashing light morse code to splice the main brace.

[Another One]

or brace the main splice, or maybe something to do with a surplus of Maine braces . . . Ahab's morse code was a little rusty.

[Sailor]

Finally clear of all that government rabble he headed for open.....

[Joe Dupere]

..ing time at the local pub. After all the ducking and diving and shucking and jiving he had developed an overpowering thirst for...

[Sailor]

guiness. It's good for you. and he swilled his share. Noticing a barrel full of....

[sv Lorelei]

power hungry yuppies who splashed chardonnay all over the interiors of their Hunters...

[Hughman]

The grizzled one eyed retired ship's cat had observed most of the events from his lair behind the bait barrel, where he had dragged an overfastened seagull for a spot of luncheon, and considered he'd seen about anything that could befall the amateur boatie crowd... but these people were a puzzle to him.

focus...it was getting harder everyday to just pay attention..patoooie!... he spit another feather.. He recalled the time he'd spent in the Caribbean, among folks who just weren't wrapped too tight, and felt like it was deja vu all over again...

His last tooth succumbed to a stainless steel screw....

[sv Lorelei]

"That's some pussy ya got there" said the

[Another One]

lead yuppie. Whirling, Ahab noticed for the first time a growing crowd of local cats waiting to finish off any spare seagull parts he might discard. With a roar . . .

[TomF]

Ahab whirled on the waiting cats. "Avast! Begone, ye scrawny yowlin' claw-scratchers." And he hove Cousin Joe's camera phone into the midst of the clutch, where it careened off a feline skull, landing in the chardonnay.

"What'd you do that for?" Joe shrieked, eyeing Ahab's seagull-splattered clothes. "I thought anything that fought over gull bodyparts would be a friend of yours!"

[Hughman]

the old cat set his one rheumy eye on the phone floating in the wine, next to the scrofulous wet fur of a former 'lady friend', and considered the possibilities. Heaving himself up, he tapped the phone with a tentitive paw, getting it wet. The phone floated off, and beached on a sludge of gurry. Old cat licked his paw, tasted, and waded in after the phone...

[sv Lorelei]

"Aye," replied Ahab. "But we'll not cozen to your technologic snap snap jibber jabber! It's bad juju. Why anythin' more technologic than a clean set 'o semaphore flags and a ouija board ain't needed aboard no vessels. Just ask the cats!"

[huisjen]

Meanwhile, the cat was dialing.

The phone rang, and then a machine picked up. "Hello, you've reached Moe's Bait Company. Please listen to the following options: For a truckload of well aged herring delivered to your phone's billing address, press 1. For...

[TomF]

Beep.

The cat cast a scrofulous but still keen eye at Oscar, Joe's decrepit VW, and ambled quietly over to the still open door. He'd never seen seven cubic yards of aged herring before, but certainly wasn't about to let it wash down the creek, when the truck took out Joe's new bridge.

Ahab had begun to develop an interest in one of the yuppie brie-and-chardonnay sippers. She bore a striking...

[katey]

...resemblance to Jezebel, minus the stainless steel bustier, the platform combat boots, and the charm bracelet with all of the shrunken heads that his beloved usually sported. Peering closer, Ahab spotted a telltale tattoo peeking out from under the hem of her madras walking shorts.

[Joe Dupere]

Ahab sauntered over, suave as hell. "If ever a man was intrigued by the glimpse of a tatoo peeking out from under the hem of a pair of madras walking shorts, this man is that man", whispered Ahab in her ear. At least he thought it was her ear. As it happened it was her...

[TomF]

... evil twin sister's ear, and boy, did Ahab ever get an earful in return!

[Popeye]

Ahab thought about making a bolt for the door

[TomF]

... or at least a nice, polished bronze latch. Funny how little things like that occupy your mind when ...

[Popeye]

you get yourself into a jamb

[TomF]

Meanwhile, the evil brie-and-chardonnay sipper had finished Ahab's earful, and was busy trying to regain the stainless steel bustier which had somehow sunk to the bottom of the chardonnay barrel.

"Let me help you with that" Joe graciously offered. But his eyes goggled as they too took in the tattoo peeking out under her madras shorts. The dreaded ...

[huisjen]

Duck!

Ahab ducked too, just in case she took a swing at him, then settled for running out of the door, and baracaded it using...

[Popeye]

Oscar.

Joe was trapped inside the pub , suddenly the lights dimmed , the curtain went up and Captain Feathersword along with the Seven Dancing Sea Vixens took the stage

[huisjen]

Note: Popeye probably doesn't mean a HAWKER SIDDELEY "SEA VIXEN"
http://www.fortunecity.com/marina/manatee/272/seavixen.gif

[TomF]

With Popeye, you never know.

[Popeye]

(alas our gentle , supine reader grows evermore unimpressed, alone with their empty thoughts , perhaps today would have been a good day to wallow in muck or possibly shave with broken glass .. but noooo)

[huisjen]

(I ain't supine, I don't shave, and I've done my muck wallowing for the day. On with the dancers and Feathersword...)

[Joe ( Cold Spring on Hudson )]

Rotflol :D

[Popeye]

Feathersword displayed his usual mastery with a top hat and cane that night, his rhythmic toes barely touched the floor , as the Magic of Zamfir blared and bagpipes wailed, Minnie , the daintiest Sea Vixen of all , turned cartwheels , the smoke from her flaming pinwheel hoop skirt filled the air ..

[TomF]

...with the scent of sandalwood.

You've no idea how hard it is to keep wooden sandals from burning when your hoopskirt is on fire.

Yet the 6 remaining Sea Vixens cavorted, oblivious to Minnie's maximal distress.

[Michael s/v Sannyasin]

...the crowd let out a gasp as Ahab slipped the tip of his peg under the barrel of chardony and flipped it up onto the stage, dousing Minnie completely.

It was hard to say if the gasp was due to the danger of throwing alcohol on a flaming Vixin or due to the now plainly see-thru quality of said Vixin's hoopskirt. Now, as we all know, chardony ain't alcohol... but it is

[TomF]

... without doubt that Minnie took her Scottish ancestry seriously.

[Joe Dupere]

Ahab was somewhat bemused as he had not expected Minnie to be wearing a sporran under her flaming hoopskirt. He reached over to fasten the loose clasp only to discover, to his flaming embarassment, that ....

[Another One]

a stray ember from the hoop fire had landed on his

[katey]

... pegleg, and he, too, was afire. "Blast!" he yelped, and then he did, as the flames reached the hidden compartment in his leg, where he'd earlier stashed emergency supplies: gunpowder, Nutella, and...

[Paul Pless]

his Trojans!

[TomF]

Yes Trojans. http://www.wga.hu/art/t/tiepolo/giandome/trojan_ho.jpg

The wee little men clambered out of his pegleg, smeared with Nutella and shouting unintelligible greek profanities in thin voices.

Recovering her senses (if not her propriety), Minnie wrung out her chardonnay-soaked sporran onto the little soldiers, who basked in her attention. Who wouldn't?

[huisjen]

Until his seven yards of aged herring arrived, the cat though greek leprachauns might be entertaining.

[sv Lorelei]

Far more entertaining than the sea vixens anyway, though they did smell like fish in a strange human sort of way.

Ahab wheeled around suddenly having dealt with the pegleg fire in a manner that only a one eyed incontinent old sailor can, and grumbled "

[TomF]

"Watch yourself, Cat. Those lads have fought a day or two in their time, and might close your other eye as sure as spit."

Pondering this, the cat lashed his tail. The Trojans, to their joy, discovered that they'd been loosed in a pub, and quickly formed a reconnaissance party to seek out Metaxa and Ouzo.

[sv Lorelei]

But being on the wrong side of the briney, they found only Budwiser and small half empty bottle of Black Velvet...but since greek leprechauns can't be picky...

[George Roberts]

They drank and drank and only the next morning did they realize what "type" of pub it was...

[Hughman]

as they woke up in a swirling feotid slosh of oily vomit and diesel in the hold of who knows what vessel, making it's way in a turbulent sea towards a nefarious, nay, monsterous destination.

It was a small boat, tiny, in fact, but no matter, as the trojans were lilliputians. They were miniscule, too.

[Joe Dupere]

but no matter, for, although they were small in stature, they were mighty in number. There were so many in fact, that a larger vessel was clearly in order. The trojan general, called his men to pray to the gods. "Raw Faith is all we need"
he exhorted his men. As the prayers reached a crescendo, the fog (did I mention the fog?) parted and there in answer to their prayers, was....

[sv Lorelei]

Monty Hall, Captain of the Pickle Barge. There at his side, buxom in her stainless and beautifully burnished bronze bustier (how's that for aliteration), was Jezebel.

[Another One]

(Remember Jezebel? This is a story about Jezebel . . . .)

The Lilliputians waved their shovels and rakes and impliments of destruction, madly trying to attract Jezzy's attention

[Hughman]

Jezebel, vainly trying to satisfy an itch located in just a particuler spot, but inaccessable under that dammed bustier, noticed the army of diminutive sailors, and knowing her man - er, men, knew her pruritus would yeild to the manipulation of her soon to be allies. The burr under saddle would trouble her no more!

[Hughman]

It wasn't long before she found herself in a characteristicly supine position with a man on top....who was busily weilding a rake to scratch her itch, under the fervent direction of it's owner..."up,,no left ,...over a little LEFT ooh! almost down a little YEAH! OOH!!"

Meanwhile, the others had quietly strung a cobweb of ropes over her while she was being distracted by her more pressing physical needs.....


"HEY!!! whatthehell is this!!! What are you doing! I don't do this for free!!"


"Well, it's a compulsion with us, I guess"....one of the guys muttered.

[Sailor]

and with that he made fast the last end of line to a neaby cleat and joined his lilliputian friends in their victory dance. Meanwhile back on the jetty Ahab, in fits of rage was hobbling as quick as his burned up peg leg would allow to find a craft swift enough to catch up to the pickle barge. He meant to rescue.......

[huisjen]

...himself from the yuppies, who had swarmed the pier and were talking about how it would be a great spot for a condo development.

[Hughman]

Ahab stumbled. He had nearly escaped foaming rush of beautiful people when his peg caught firmly in a knot hole in the decking. It was a superb taper fit, jammed with some conviction in his haste to depart.

Ahab froze, thinking he would not be noticed, as he was not correctly clad in the appropriate brand name. In this he was prescient: they treated his presence as if he was furniture.

He had no choice but to listen.....

[Paul Pless]

to some local oceanographer describe how this evenning's tide would be the highest in a hundred years...

[sv Lorelei]

while the disinterested cat, hacking up a furball, sharpened his one good remaining claw on Ahabs pinioned pegleg.

[TomF]

A crowd began to gather, remarking on Ahab's poor fashion sense and the Cat's remarkable ability to carve up the still smouldering pegleg.

Remembering suddenly that a brief recitation of Homer had distracted the seagulls earlier, Ahab wracked his brain for the right bit of verse for his present malady. Another Greek? No, there'd be no telling how the Trojans might react to a stray mispronunciation. It had better be in English. But what ... Eliot? Shakespeare? Auden? Ah! That's it ...

[Joe Dupere]

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife" quoth Ahab, "wait a minute, that's Austen, not Auden!!" he cried. The crowd began to rumble with discontent, and a voice from the back of the gathering throng yelled.....

[sv Lorelei]

"Freebird!" The gulls, now suddenly attentive, noted a subtle change in the demeanor of both the yuppies and the trojans...

[TomF]

If I leave here tomorrow
would you still remember me
For I must be travelling on now...

Ahab was just starting to roll with this ... when one of the Chardonnay-sippers elbowed his way forwards. "Lynyrd Skynyrd's lyrics are still under copyright. You can't even recite them without paying royalties ... "

Now that got the gulls' attention. Nothing like a wussy Intellectual Property lawyer to rile the real Free Birds. Ready ... Aim ...

(Ahab saw his opportunity)

[Joe Dupere]

He gave a mighty yank on his peg which was still stuck in the knothole on the pier. With a tremendous screech the rusty nails gave way and the plank smacked the wussy intellectual property lawyer right on the chin. As the WIPL collapsed onto the pier, Ahab cast off the lines to the pickle barge, yelling to Captain Monty Hall, "Full speed ahead, Monty!!" In the confusion, he forgot he had the plank firmly attached to his peg. When the Pickle Barge roared off, Ahab, still holding the dock lines, was snatched off the pier and into the harbor. With great presence of mind, he landed on the plank and slalomed off behind the now speeding Pickle Barge.

Meanwhile, back at the pier, as the dazed WIPL slowly came to, the gulls were forming in perfect Stuka dive bomb formation and began their....

[sv Lorelei]

Dance of dock beautification. The WIPL screaming "Oh! The Humanity" slipped on the gulls viscous eliminations and skidded into the void where Ahab's peg had torn loose the plank. Several Personal Injury Lawyers dislodged themselves from the cadre of Yuppies circling the flock of circling seagulls still circling the WIPL...

[Popeye]

.. suddenly two DINKS dressed in Birkenstocks and Dockers pulled up in an RV and tossed the yuppies a travel sized Cinzano Umbrella , a torrent of guano grenades pelted down , as they aided the call of the sorrowful WIPL spill ..

[TomF]

... the mighty Trojan Miniatures manufactured a lasso from a bit of an unravelled bikini thread ... and caught one of the gulls on its flypast (after delivering its payload).

With a confused squawk, the gull struggled to rise on the breeze, trailing a long stringful of drunk and jeering Greeklets. Ahab caught the sound of the greek chorus, and began to toss bits of potted meat in his wake, to try and attract the gull.

[huisjen]

From back on the boat, Jezzy was shouting...

[sv Lorelei]

"Full Ahead, Monty....yeah....Full, Monty!" while back on the dock, the Yuppies having been whipped into a committee at the appearance of some DEP officials with reams of regulations about how much seagull guano was allowed on a dock before it was considered a superfund site, and being equally stunned at the sudden appearance of a truck filled to the scuppers with raw sardines, they cried "focus group, focus group" as the cat greedily...

[TomF]

... started preparations for chardonnay-marinated Herring ka-bobs. For splinters of the dock, smouldering ever since Ahab's little mishap, had finally burst into a healthy flame. Nobody, however, had counted on the combustability of seagull guano ...

[huisjen]

The explosion blew the cat right off the dock. Cats will always land on their feet of course, but the cat's feet landed on...

[Hughman]

Our superannuated cat, now happily s*itfaced on the chardonnay, hurredly left the burning deck, whence all but he had fled, dragging the cell phone towards the herring truck. He really needed to find a suitable place to scratch a hole to pee - but the flames rolled on–he could not go.....

[Hughman]

(....must be that space/time continuum.....or this is really cheap chardonnay....) -was an aproximate thought of the old cat.

[sv Lorelei]

The cat's feet had landed on a cloud. As if by some strange juxtaposition of sensory memory, he could have sworn he saw himself sqatting by the waterline, trying to pee...but that must have been impossible. He was looking down on the scene and things had suddenly gone quiet. Only the muffled suggestion of screaming yuppies and the putrid black smoke of guano seared herring, and burning polyester.

Turning, the cat saw a bright light in the distance which seemed to be moving closer, or he closer to it. It was difficult to tell. But a feeling of calm suddenly descended upon him. He was sure that this was the end of being. But it turned out merely to be the sun glinting off of Jezebel's bustier...which was a little bit of heaven itself.

Regaining an upper hand on reality...

[Joe Dupere]

the light began to fade as the cat began to plummet back towards earth through a hole in the cloud. With claws at full extension, the hissing, snarling cat landed in the middle of the focus group. The middle just happened to be the hatless head of the WIPL still stuck in the dock where Ahab (remember Ahab? This is a story about Ahab...), had wrenched a plank in his effort to escape the gathering focus group. Some innate sixth sense caused the WIPL to look up just as....

[Popeye]

.. Conky , the hapless seagull , started to retch up yesterdays fishy brunch ..

[sv Lorelei]

The WIPL, hearing the ominous retching of gull and the dull thud and sudden flurry of feathers as the flying cat and Conky collided in a cacophanous convergence of cartillage and gurry, hoisted the smoking remains of the cinzano umbrella overhead holding it upright with the help of the two singed DINKS creating a scene somewhat reminiscent of a surreal acid induced rendition of the marines planting the flag on Mt. Surribachi. The metal skeleton, bent and twisted went "Twang" as the bird and cat collided with it. Joe shouted "...

[TomF]

Hold it - smile! And the moment was preserved. Despite the Cat's pokings, submersion in both chardonnay and a number of other liquids of questionable provenance, the cameraphone still worked.

Meanwhile, Ahab and Jezebel were getting re-acquainted on Monty Hall's pickle barge. A glance at Jezebel's glistening bustier reminded him of the source of his attraction ... a glance at the Duck tattoo reminded him of the dread underside of his erstwhile love. In other words,

[Popeye]

, this was not the place nor the time to drop trou , he gazed deep into her good eye ,

[sv Lorelei]

"I've missed ye, Jezzy, me Love!" crooned Ahab

"Yeah, well it's not the first time" Jesabel retorted. "Now swab the deck!"...

[Joe Dupere]

"Well, if you insist" said Ahab, "But I've never heard it called that before". With a leering grin, he kicked the plank off his peg and started to unbuckle his...

[Popeye]

.. close-fitting breeches , his Jim Beam fell down to the floor and hit Jezzy on the ankle ..

[sv Lorelei]

his codpiece flew across the deck hitting Monty in the back of the head. "Hey watch where you're aiming that thing" he whined from the helm of the pickle barge. Meanwhile his breeches so once full of booty, hit the floor about the same time as Jezzy did...

[Popeye]

.. Ahab thought about the day his mother caught him polishing his capstan , and about the time his jib boom got caught in the lower shrouds , corks popped , steam whistles blew , flags were raised and lowered , timbers creaked and groaned as the pickle chugged along ..

[sv Lorelei]

Ahab in his Aolean bliss, could feel it building up inside of him, almost inescapably, but yes, that familiar feeling was there and the time for release was growing ever closer.

"Shouldn't a had that last tin of potted meat" Ahab thought as the inevitable occured. Wind broke, birds fell out of the sky, small furry woodland creatures curled up into a ball and died, foghorns blew, bilge blowers turned, rabid dogs sniffed each others butts.

"Oh Baby, you remembered Our Song" Jezabel seductively moaned before lapsing into a semi conscious heap of seething protoplasm on the deck.

[TomF]

(eds note: how in hell does one move on from this? Let's let the two of them smoke a cigarette or something for a bit.)

Err, Monty looked ... no no no.

The Trojans ... nope, can't go there either.

Jezebel's bustier glinted ... uhm, urp.

The Cat.

The Cat disentangled himself from the retching, wretched Conky, and gently picked its nether regions out from the charred and twisted remains of the umbrella. The WIPL was now utterly toast ... though a few yuppie chardonnay swillers were trying to figure out how to sue the seagulls for damages. Strangely, no-one noticed that during the fray, the Pequod had mysteriously started back out to sea ... lackadaisically disembowelling another three F#bergl@$$ BSOs (boat shaped objects) en route.

As the "Jaws" music ominously started playing in the background, Monty happened to catch a glimpse of the sloop while resolutely NOT gazing aft at Jez and Ahab (OK, maybe he peeked a bit)

[Hughman]

As is natural with cats, the old beast felt the need to lick itself clean after it's exertions, but the encrusted rime of seagull carbonaire aux chardonnay combined with ripened herring guts, cold Starbucks coffee (organic double grande one sugar one sweet & low, extra whipped with cinnamon) and the remains of Ahabs potted meat effluvia, proved, upon a moments reflection, to be beyond the ability of mortal tongue. He knew that only total immersion would rid himself of the putrid effluvium glistening like fresh mucous on his fur.

A short walk off the pier was all that was necessary, but for a cat, such a thing authored a pause.....wait, the end of a dock line was snaking across the deck, seemingly alive....He jumped......

...to find himself on the Pequod, outbound on it's haunted journey...

[Popeye]

..the cabin boy , Nip , was busy checking the cargo of whale oil and beef hooks when he suddenly turned to Skipper Farquod and pointed towards the cat

Farquod who was too busy counting kumquots and mixed biscuit boxes to notice the strange events surrounding how a smelly cat somehow managed to stow himself aboard the Pequod , ignored Nip

Nip , who had a penchant for drama , aptly decided to name the cat Nappy , Nip knew he and Nappy would be happy ..

Skipper Farquod , who suffered from a rare childhood debilitating disease , a bad case of demeaning plebney , had no front teeth and often tried to slurp coffee while talking voluminously into his oversizzed mug at the same time , then turned and asked Nip with a lisp, "izzat your cat Nip"?

"Aye , Skip". said Nip , "I named him Nappy".

"whale oil beef hooked" , retorted Skipper Farquod happily gurgling his coffee

"twenty cases" , reported Nip

"I need a quick cat nap , Nip" , yawned Skipper

"I will keep watch with Nappy , Skipper" said the little Nipper

[Another One]

The newly christened Nappy, previously known by the perfectly respectable and historic feline sobriquet of 'Carbuckety' had other ideas. Extending one glistening, germ-encrusted talon, he . . . .

[Popeye]

.. meanwhile , back on the pickle barge , Ahab and Jezzy were doing some serious horizontal jogging across the deck , while Monty limped off to clear his scuppers

.. chick er rar rar rar .. chicker ree rar ra ..

squirrels fell from trees , fish went belly up , cats burst into flames , stepple bells rang out , accordions wheezed , volcanoes , long extinct , erupted with molten lava , trains steamed thru tunnels , billy goats chewed on old straw hats , penguins slid down icy slopes and were gobbled up by waiting polar bears

Ahab wrestled with Jezzy's wool socks while Jez caught a light for her second Monte Cristo ..

[sv Lorelei]

The newly christened Nappy, previously known by the perfectly respectable and historic feline sobriquet of 'Carbuckety' had other ideas. Extending one glistening, germ-encrusted talon, he . . . .

punched a new set of coordinates into the autopilot, bringing the spikey whale oil dripping bowsprit of the Pequod about a point and a half onto a course that would eventually intersect with the Pickle Barge.

The barge gleaming in the distance as it oscillated and rolled under the reciprocations of its crew. Nappy/Carbuckety knew Ahab was aboard. He could sense it with his sixth cat sense. Even upwind he couldn't help but descry the faint and fetid scent of potted meat, sardines, and the cheesy goodness of the Monte Cristo on the Sea Mate. The cabin boy. Yes. The cabin boy would come in handy as another tool for revenge. The bird had been a mistake. He admitted that now. Seagulls make unreliable hit men at best, but one had to learn these lessons the hard way.

It had been many years ago. Nappy/Carbuckety had been but a kitten, still wet behind the ears, when Ahab, on the rebound from his first go around with Jezabel had begun dating his owner's mistress, a woman of some means and good family stock who within a few short months was reduced to destitution and forced to peddle Cockles and Mussels on the waterside working for the Cockles & Mussels Alive Alive O, Ltd Seafood Company.

One night she perished when the cart broke through the ancient and shabby dock and she plunged to her death in the briney putrid shallows beneath the dock. Nappy/Carbuckety swore vengeance that day on the peg legged rake and his brazen trollop for the injustice done to his mistress and himself.

Yes only a few short hours and they would be within ramming distance....

[Popeye]

following their sordid , epic , perverse and twisted conjugal romp .. Jez and Ahab , were now both exhausted and after eating their fill of saltines, quite sated , Ahab gazed at Jez's salubriously adorned festoon cuddy ..

"I wonder if Monty keeps count of his Monte Cristo's " asked Jez as she puffed out heart shaped smoke rings

"yo ho , I dunno " replied Ahab sleepily , as he wiggled his Jim Beam back into his skin tight pantaloons and reached over for another swig of Demerara rum from the complimentary mini-puncheon ..

[sv Lorelei]

As the distance closed between the two fated vessels, the cat wallowed in gleeful anticipation. With the skipper asleep, and Nipper busy polishing his meat hook in the orlop, there was no one aboard to stop his fiendish plan from becoming a reality. His mind wandered alternately between the image of a bloody prostrate Ahab, and the regret that as a cat, he did not have opposable thumbs...

[Popeye]

.. as a small consolation to not having opposable thumbs nor a true understanding of autopilots , our feerless calico con , Nappy Carbuncle excitedly licked his own bum .. a feat , the likes of which , has left the itchy mariner in want of a bidet , confounded..

[huisjen]

Meanwhile, the Lilliputians had mastered their seagull, caught several more, and were riding high in the saddle each atop his own gull. They were observing the vessels, and before closing on them they had picked up...

[TomF]

... a fair amount of speed.

Combined liberally with the chardonnay, this meant that both the seagulls and the Trojans had a bit of a buzz going, and the flying was becoming more erratic than one might expect. But no matter - the Pequod was close at hand, and the Cat still hadn't evolved opposable thumbs (however intelligent its other design features).

[sv Lorelei]

Though it was desperately trying to fabricate a pair out of sail repair tape and 5200...

[huisjen]

It only succeeded, however, in sticking...

[Hughman]

an entire pillows worth of feathers, (which Farquod had released into the cabin during an epileptic dream state just as Nappy/Carbuckety slashed open the tube of adhesive) to it's pelt, so that, to the myopic, he resembled an obese flying rat.

The old cat began a passionate crescendo of practiced profanity that ...

[TomF]

was soul stirring in its ferocity, cadence, and linguistic breadth. It also interrupted the cabin boy's meat hook polishing, drawing him out of the foc'sle.

Upon regaining the deck, the cabin boy soon saw that the Pequod's course had been changed ... and that the baleful bowsprit was bearing down on Mony Hall, the pickle barge, and the winded Jez 'n Ahab. Not only that, but ...

[Hughman]

the squadron of seagulls carrying the Trojans noticed the bird like creature on the deck of Pequod, and understood the expressions of distress. Thinking the cabin boy was responsible for tormenting a fellow seagull, the flock changed direction as one and prepared to dive in formation.

As the boats drew together, Ahab and Jezebel also heard the loud invective coming from the Pequod, and with growing anger at being so addressed, (he assumed all profanity was directed at him, it was a not uncommon occurrence) he stood up in complete disregard of his lack of attire, and began to return the compliments in equal measure.....

[Tac the Sea Cat]

So what happens next!!

[huisjen]

A periscope popped up between the two vessels and quickly swiveled 360°.

[TomF]

... then it hurriedly swivelled 'round again to focus on the Pickle Barge ... zeroing in on Jezebel's ass...ets. This didn't escape Jezzy's notice, and she scrambled to recover her bustier and madras shorts.

Ahab who had started in on a tin of potted meat to build up stamina for a second approach, began to show the inevitable signs an impending GI tract event. For all the world, Jezebel thought, I never met a man more suited to becoming a depth charge...

[Hughman]

Jezebel knew that once Ahab pulled the pin on that can of mystery meat her time was limited....Ahab was struggling with the lid, and was bent over a loose anvil using a pair of rusty vise-grips to pinion the can . A rusty steel cable was tangled around the base of the anvil, as well as Ahab's foot, and led through a section of pipe to a cement block.

Jez kicked the block overboard.....

[huisjen]

...as the Pequod continued to close in. The block jerked the cable, pulling Ahab off balance and overboard, soon followed by the anvil. Jezzy counted backward from five, and just as she said zero, a large foul smelling explosion took place off the side of the pickle barge. After five more seconds, Ahab surfaced, blown clear of the cable, and began learing at Jezzy in place of the periscope.

Behind him, the Pequod...

[Popeye]

.. with Captain Farquod asleep in the fo'c'sle and snoring very loudly . 'Arrr Arrr Arrr . Wheee' , the cabin Boy Nip , down below polishing his beef hook and Nappy Carbuckety at the helm , came about , just as the good ships parrot , Rusty , caught the eye of our intrepid cat pilot ..

[huisjen]

(intrepid feathered cat pilot) amorously.

[Popeye]

suddenly Ahab winced , feeling a sudden and intense spasm of pain from the pressure of gas buildup , he reached down near to his jim beam to push it forward , to lever wider open his pantaloons and reduce the chance of a blow back , righting himself and then flipping onto his back , he rasied his legs to form a V , he drew a bead and carefully aimed toward the mark ..

[TomF]

... and fired a second shot at the thoroughly bewildered submarine. When the inevitable event occurred, a steel button was torn from Ahab's pantaloons, launched with some force at the periscope. The resulting spark ignited Ahab's awful production ... simultaneously bending the periscope into a hideous shape, and propelling Ahab on his back, like a skipping stone, towards the Pequod...

[Popeye]

Rusty and Nappy Carbuckety stopped whatever they were doing and watched in utter amazement as Ahab shot over the deck of the Pequod, he somehow managed to grapple a gaff hook from the stern of the Pequod , he used the ubiquitous boat implement to quickly hook-on, and spin once around the mizzen and launch his portly self on a trajectory back toward the pickle barrel , where Jez was busy stashing Cohibas and a box of Romeo and Juliets from Monty's humidor

in a stylish turn of events, Ahabs velvet purple spandex pantaloons ripped from his loins and triumphantly reflagged the Pequod , Jez sqeeled with glee as Ahab's pantless pertuberance then passed perihelion and plummeted perilously past the pickle ..

..back onboard the submarine , HMS Inkspotter, Lieutenant Commander Marcus Faversham and Vice-Rear Admiral Ignatius Cockspur were busy enjoying afternoon hot rum toddy's in the situation room , when First Mate Dave burst in ..

[TomF]

"Sir, sir ... we're under attack. Don't know if it's a depth charge, or poison gas, or what - but God know's it's no kind of stealth weapon! It broke the lens at the top of the periscope - we can't dive without sealing it first, or we'll flood."

The Vice Rear Admiral shifted his Vice Rear uncomfortably. Clearly there was more to come.

"And sir, something's come down the periscope pipe. Actually, quite a few somethings --- men sir. Wee little men, reeking of wine, and bird sh#t, and rotted fish."

At this, Cockspur's eyes sprang open.

[huisjen]

And at that moment, a tapping noise suddenly came to their ears. Dave listened a moment and with a stunned expression on his face he said, "Sirs, it's morse code. The little men must be signaling someone. It sounds like they're sending a message saying...

[TomF]

"... uhm, damned if I know what language that is - it's Greek to me. But there's a pattern that keeps repeating ... let me try to make it out.....

O..U..Z..O O..U..Z..O. Ouzo!"

The Vice-Rear Admiral shifted his Vice-Rear, and his Cockspur again, and said in a hollow voice: "It's as I feared - Miniature Trojans." For God's sake, man, lock up the rum, or we're...

[Hughman]

gonna run dry!

Over on the Pequod, Rusty was edging closer to the foul and befeathered quadraped, with a growing admiration of this beasts continued blue flame of profanity, which had gone on for 45 minutes without a repeat. Parrots have a natural affinity for personal expression, and he began to believe he was witnessing a run on the record. Rusty had known Columbus as a boy, and had never heard anything like it. Not sober, anyway. This was one pissed off sailor!

Ahab breached like a bloated blivit just ahead of the converging vessels, unable to maneuver, overinflated as he was with his final and largest production, yet he could find no relief - one of the Trojans had become embedded in a critical oriface while both were airborne, and Ahab was beginning to worry....

[Peter Malcolm Jardine]

that some kind of meltdown was going to occur, and in a hurry!!

.... All of a sudden, from the surf ahead, a tentacle of outrageous proportions surfaced from the deep.... reaching exploringly towards Ahab and the following ship...reaching Ahab first it plucked the offending trojan from his anal grave and flicked him towards....

[sv Lorelei]

Walmart. Yes the island of Walmart, with the suggestion that large price club quantities of asprins might be in order for the diminutive horde, the monster returned his attention to the Pickle Barge, or more to the point to the glinting and bronze bedazzled Jezzy, who was even at this moment climbing the shrouds to retrieve Ahabs erstwhile ermine underpinnings. Transfixed by her lofty goal, she paused only briefly at the spreader to...er fix her hair and enjoy the friction of the shroud between her...

[Popeye]

..nicest thoughts and fondlest memories of Ahab , she kept , her eyes on, where the , sea and , the sky, met , and formed a line or something ..

[sv Lorelei]

reminding her of her younger daze when she'd been a groupie for Buffalo Springfield and Ahab had been one of their roadies and was responsible for getting the band members hot chicks, or new internal organs...whatever they needed. Those had been simpler times...

[Popeye]

.. but she wasn't once the head pastry chef and chief gunners mate inspector aboard the USS Cauliflower for nothing , she was about to rip that sea monster a new blowhole when ..

[sv Lorelei]

she got a better idea.. or something..

[Hughman]

Meanwhile, Rusty was agog. The cat was still defining the nature of the world in terms no one could misunderestimate...

[Popeye]

meanwhile meanwhile back , on the Aisle of Walmart , Ahab had pulled up ashore in Falling Prices Bay , it was there he met a big fat , rich , millionaire Hawaiin guy , who explained to Ahab how he and his wife had purchased the island many years ago and used it as their paradise home, Ahab thanked him for his generous offer of a free grass skirt to hide his shame and for the loan of a small row boat , the fat Hawaiin guy's petite wife felt sorry she had no clean underwear to offer Ahab and suggested he go commando for now, with that Ahab thanked the millionaire and his wife and shoved off ..

..once again back on the high seas , Ahab sculled feverishly back to the pickle barge and yelled for Jez to grab his Hawaiin hawser..

[huisjen]

The sub had surfaced, and First Mate Dave was desperately trying to fix the periscope, while the Captain and Admiral micromanaged from the foredeck. "There, that should do it." Said Dave. "Okey-dokey" said the Trojans, and slammed the hatch.

[sv Lorelei]

Captain Marcus pointed in disgust at the "Please do not slam the hatchway" sign, to which the Trojans muttered something in Greek or Gaelic...an awkward silence ensued...

[TomF]

... until with a great clang, something metallic careened off the submarine hull.

While everyone was distracted by the submarine, the Pequod had continued it's dogged (catted?) approach to Monty's Pickle Barge. Just as the Pequod's ever-ready bowsprit was about to thrust devastatingly into the Pickle Barge's hull, Jezzy fell out of her seeming trance, and spotted the danger. Looking for the only object close at hand to hurl at the attacker, she stripped off her bronze bustier, and whanged it at the Pequod's rudder, in an attempt to turn the boat.

It was the ricocheting bustier which clanged on the submarine ... drawing the Vice Rear Admiral, the First Mate, and a baker's dozen Trojans to gaze with a mixture of consternation and awe at Jezzy's ...

[sv Lorelei]

balloon spinnakers

[Hughman]

Rusty squinted his eyes, it was getting hard to see. The air was turning blue, and the source seemed to be the old cat. The smell was getting worse, also.

It seemed.....Yes, the old cat was getting thinner, as if the fulminating malediction pouring forth into the cabin of the Pequod was solid exhalation...

[Popeye]

as the Pequod's bowsprit skewered the pickle , Captain Farquod suddenly jolted from his slumber , and lept to his foot , banging his head on the carefully placed dodger beam while simultaneously blue streak cursing the wretched ship. Truncating his usual coffee and a bagel with peanut butter and whale oil barrell counting routine he quickly retrieved the emergency message waddya call-it he kept in cabin boy Nip's trousers..


"Emergency distress call from Farquod of the Pequod"! yelled First Mate Dave , ripping the message from the thing that receives messages.

"Agent Carbuckety is in peril"! fapped Rear-Vice Admiral Cockspur dropping his swizel stick

"Sound the claxons , I'll call Rusty". bellowed Lieutenant Commander Faversham, his breath reaking of rum and cinnamon

[sv Lorelei]

Meanwhile the sea monster was having an anxiety attack. Though in a target rich environment, it couldn't make up either one of it's minds as to which one to go after. It was like the time he took Ariel to the junior prom all over again. Nobody takes a guy with a dozen sucker tipped tendrils and eyes on the bottom of his head seriously. His psycho-analyst was full of of cod. He couldn't do this....he....just.....couldn't.

[Popeye]

.. "Thunder'n limberholes" ! cried Ahab swinging his hawser over the side just as Jezzy finished polishing the main mast , chomped the end off a Montecristo No. 2 torpedo and ran below , diving for Monty's pickled bronze seacock..

[sv Lorelei]

Agent Carbuckety looked down in satisfaction as a drooling, hallucinating, Rusty, succumbed to the effects of the peyote Carbuckety had slipped into his coffee. "Now that he was out of the way," the cat thought, "I can return to my original mission. Whatever that was". He gripped the wheel harder with his new opposable duct tape thumbs.

[Popeye]

the foul stench of a thousand moldy fig newtons and over ripe bananas filled the salt air , Ahab wimpered and wisped as he watched the once proud pickle barrell listfully wallow ungraciously into the foaming sea , down down she went , scuttled , and robbed of her prime in her most unfairest time upon the dreaded seas

"shiver me timber" sobbed Ahab as he thought about Jez and about a cold beer and a sandwich

[sv Lorelei]

Down. Down into the crushing black depths of the Mariachi Trench. As Davey had finished repairs on the sub's periscope they were able to watch as the barnacle encrusted hull of the pickle barge lurched silently out of view. In the crew quarter's the Trojans were playing canasta, had raided all the vending machines in the galley, and were busy rewiring the radar to get the Playboy channel on the main display. Somewhere off in the distance the sad sucking sounds of a manic depressive sea monster pinged off of the steel hull...

[Hughman]

A tentacle rose again from the Stygian depths, trembling as it came, faster, ever faster out of control, as if it had lost a mind of it's own...slashing the rudder of the Pequod hard to starboard so abruptly the wheel spun into its stops in an instant.

The now skeletal cat, vituperating without missing a beat, and stuck to the king spoke by duct tape, was flung high into the air, in a perfect parabola, at the apex of which, he vanished with one last thunderous oath.

A pall descended upon the sea...

[huisjen]

And then, as he was about to give up hope, Ahab watched as Jezzy boobed, er, bobbed to the surface.

[Popeye]

"Habby franks"! called Jez , boobing over the waves like a cork

"Mayonnaise ! , er , Jezzy snickers"! blubbered Ahab , standing barepole in the open dinghy , as a sudden gust of wind parted his grass skirt , "Am I ever glad to see you"

"Obviously so" giggled Jez chomping on a soogy stoogie

[sv Lorelei]

Aboard the mothership. Prime Neptar Grox welcomed Carbuckety aboard their imperial majesties Star Scout. Carbuckety took a quick glance around at the laser cannon and fallopian torpedoes humming ominously in their stasis tubes. "Now here, at last was a ship with some real firepower", he thought as he non-chalantly shuffled a bit to port to get a better view of the ordinance control station.

[TomF]

The neurotic sea monster finally chose the pneumatic Jez as his intended lunch. But as he surfaced once more, and reached out a tendril towards our mouth-watering heroine, overhead the Star Scout's cloaking device abruptly cut out.

"Damn" said Prime Neptar Grox. "It's never been the same since we picked up that Tar Devil guy. First it's on, then it's off ... "

While the aliens dithered over who was responsible, the Vice Rear Admiral and Faversham dropped their jaws in amazement, picked them up again, and feverishly worked to prepare a missile for launch. It didn't help that the Trojans ...

[Another One]

had milked off a signicant amount of coolant from the system to help keep the blender drinks chilled.

The discussion between Prime Neptar Grox and his first officer began to get heated as blame for the botched repairs was tossed about. Carbuckety's head bobbed back and forth as if watching a tennis match. Finally, judging his moment carefully, he . . .

[sv Lorelei]

Acked up a furball containing Joe (remember? This is a story about Joe)'s cameraphone. Purloined just before leaving the dock.

The cat caught Prime Neptar Grox and his first officer Garth Brooks in flagrante delicto, as it were. Which as we all know was a clear viloation of some rule or other. The delay caused by the camera phone's flash distracted the aliens (or should we call them "guest life forms") long enough for Carbuckety to draw a bead on Ahab's cellulose Hawaiian fringe.

The fallopian tube hummed. Wait. That was Jezzy. The fallopian missle hummed in it's tube and suddenly launched with a launching sound.

[Hughman]

As the fallopian missle hummed it's way to it's target, Prime Neptor Grox wiped off the phone and began punching buttons. ..'How do one work this thing?'....

'Wait!'..... Prime narrowed his eyes at the tiny image that appeared on the phone. 'Agent Carbuckety, you took these images?? You must return and adjust the situation!' Prime Neptor Grox turned to a jello covered shaft and muttered something....

The Sea Monster had an abrupt attack of dispepsia...followed by a belch..
As the bubble slowly rose to the surface, something within began to change color, and evolve...

forty feet from the port side of Pequod, a pustule erupted on the sea surface with an audible fizzing, and subsided.

Something began to "drift" closer to the vessel. Against the wind. And current.

Captain Farquod had to look twice. 'Wha...? Hey Nip reach me that gaff!'

There...it was... a kitten.... floating on a wooden box. Captain Farquod caught the box and lifted it inboard. It was an empty salt cod crate.

Nip, however, reached out and fished the half drowned kitten out of the water. It's eyes were closed, there was hardly a sign of life. He carried it to the cabin and wrapped it in a towell. 'Throw the d*mn thing back!,' yelled Captain Farquod.

The kitten stirred, half rising, and farted a cute little blue smoke ring, that gently drifted to the overhead. The vapor expanded....

And Nip began to curse.

[Another One]

Meanwhile, back on the dock, Oscar had continued his playful nudging of various structures. With Joe frantically shoveling through herring looking for his camera phone, he was too distracted to notice when Oscar casually wandered off the dock and into the bay.

As we all know, VW Beatles of a certain era are almost watertight to begin with. And ever since the early days, when their headliners were attached to their frames with a glue made of fish bones, (no, really) they've had a certain affinity with the sea. Oscar, knowing all this, decided to . . .

[TomF]

flash his lights, so's Joe would notice and get on board.

It worked. So now, the bay was simply choked with:


the Pequod
the alien Star Scout
the submarine, of unknown provenance and flag
a sea monster in dire need of therapy
Captain Farquod, and Nippy
a reincarnated Carbuckety (with radioactive flatus, but opposable thumbs)
Jezzy, Ahab, and (presumably) Monty Hall
the wreckage of at least 3 F#bergl@$$ BSOs and the Pickle Barge, each contributing its own particular scent and oily sheen
an indeterminate number of aggravated seagulls, drunken chardonnay sippers, unaccountably missing half-clad dancers,
Wal-mart bloody Island.
the best part of 7 yards of aged herring - which while not precisely alive, had a strong personality..
to say nothing of the Trojans.This was simply too much to keep track of, to wrap up, or to even reliably concieve without the introduction of ...

[Another One]

FEMA. Yes, FEMA. Sensing their very structural existance in danger and large mobs in Nawlins and DC frothing for their demise, the FEMA minions were in search of just this kind of unnatural catastrophe with which to prove their mettle and ingenuity.

[huisjen]

Don't forget the falopian torpedo. It's going to hit...

[Hughman]

at the end of the story.

Carbuckety, idly fingering knobs and buttons on a console, asked Prime Neptor grox, "What actually does a fallopian torpedo do?"

He was a little anxious about the new agent aboard Pequod....

[Another One]

Prime Neptor Grox pulled himself up importantly to his full 7.3 cm. height, waved his tenticles and intoned, "The World may never know."

Carbuckety leaned forward and peered at . . .

[TomF]

Prime Neptor Grox pulled himself up importantly to his full 7.3 cm. height, waved his tenticles and intoned, "The World may never know."

Carbuckety leaned forward and peered at . . .the Prime Neptar inquisitively. "Your Googly Appendages look much bigger in pictures, Your Eminence. But I suppose that size doesn't matter, for Spaghetti Monsters ...?"

[Popeye]

.. Carbuckety , hacked up a space fur ball and sneezed , it was at that impending moment , Prime Neptar , fell from his console chair and hit the floor and the poor Prime Neptar rolled out the space door ..

[Hughman]

...and began the descent into the melee of events transpiring below.

the space furball lay quivering on the deck, as if deciding what to do next....

[huisjen]

...while the Sea Monster eyed the Prime Neptar falling out of the star scout and fell instantly in love.

[Hughman]

Nip was warming to the task of extolling the virtues of forceful expression, in an unending flood of verbal menstruation.

And the Fallopian torpedo was still underweigh....

[Popeye]

sensing no real imperial outerspace danger, Ahab grabbed for Jezzy's personal flotation devices and swung her aboard his dinghy

Jez lay shivering against the floor boards , curled in a fetal position , trying to catch her breath and since it was a Thursday , Ahab stuck his oar in the turbid waters and made for the Aisle of Walmart

the good crew of the HMS Inkspotter were too busy scurrying about the missle room / reception area to notice they had come to periscope depth directly under the delerious and paranoid sea monster .. "UP Periscope" ! yelled Dave picking through a tray of sandwiches and mini gherkins

as Prime Neptar's huge tenticles fluttered against his backplate, the sea monster had all 17 eyes focussed on a savory alien spaghetti hors d'ouevre , the fallopian missle , closing on target, was about to deliver it's vital ovarian payload ..

[Hughman]

The periscope went home. Sea monster closed 13 of it's 17 eyes, and bubbled out a sigh.

The Fallopian missle, frustrated at being thwarted, retargeted. Prime Neptor happened to present his backplate at an inoppertune moment.....

[sv Lorelei]

Garth Brooks, first mate of the Space Scout looked around the bridge in his usual disgruntled and frustrated demeanor. After all, hadn't he pulled Grox's anterior flagella out of the fire time after time. Wasn't it he, who had come up with the idea to use the BoJanglotron to thwart the denizens of Discodancin VII? And for that Grox got promoted to Prime Neptar and, him? He'd gotten a perfunctory pat on the carapace and an X-box. But now....now the Frangirian Muffpuster would turn, and He, Garth Brooks would come out on top for once.

[Hughman]

The kitten had quite recovered from it's aquatic adventure, and was now crouching under the harpoon rack watching Nip's considerable verbal exertions, and his ever reddening face, with a curious smile growing under it's little wiskers.....

[Tac the Sea Cat]

OH YEAH! I know that smile! :D

So, what happens next?

[Popeye]

the sea monster , now decidedly less anal , floudered on its side , wondering if perhaps ..

'Faversham'! bellowed Vice-Rear Admiral Cockspur , upon gathering the latest and greatest intelligence from Dave and relieving himself against a yeoman

"yes sire"? said Faversham

"ready forward missilles 4 , 9 and 11 and get me the President"

"Aye Aye Cap" said Faversham

"call Admiral Ploughskeepie at HQ and get me a box of banjos and a case of motor oil" !

"ahoy skippy" said Faversham

"call the metro zoo and have them glue 7 green bananas to the elephants arse"

"qui mon capitain" said Faversham

"get me Admiral Ploughskeepies wifes number"

"ok chief" said Faversham

"then while you are not too busy , relay a message to our central Asian authority and have them mail me some nice stamps"

"tout suite your vice rearness" said Lt Cmdr Faversham

[huisjen]

"Belay that!" said the Trojans. "We're taking over!"

[Another One]

And since Vice-Rear Admiral Cockspur had no idea how he would even keep track of all the critters and creations in this little tale, much less manage them to a reasonably organized conclusion, he gamely stepped aside.

[sv Lorelei]

For a moment, Anarchy reared it's ugly head.

"Ensign Anarchy," spat Faversham, "get your ugly head back in the engine room where it belongs!"

"Ayup" Replied Anarchy, returning to tending the Trypots in the engine room.

[TomF]

With that, the Trojans indeed took over, with a degree of efficiency, competency, and organizational ability which was simply a thing of myth.

In (umm) short order, the sea monster, still basking in the afterglow of the periscope's ministrations, had been nudged by the submarine into the path of the oncoming Fallopean Torpedo. The Prime Neptar, deeply in love with the sea monster, entwined his miniature tentacles through the Monster's, and keenly anticipated the shuddering ovarian impact.

Jez and Ahab, merrily becoming re-acquainted and progressively less aware of their surroundings, were

[Popeye]

now coaxing the wind and tide in their favor as Jez hove furiously on Ahabs single oar drawing and lurching the dinghy ahead , the sea monster , enamoured by the unabashed goings on , began advancing his newly discovered sea monsterly liberal spurnings towards a secrative menage a trois ,

"Ahab"? queried Jez

"Yes" ? answered Ahab

"How many tentacles does a sea monster have"? asked Jez

"Typically eight , or ten in the case of a decapod crustacean and our squid friends" said Ahab

"Hmmm" continued Jez " What about nine tentacles , whereas eight are evenly matched and the ninth one is extra long and spiney"?

"Asymmetry in marine species is highly unusual " gasped Ahab

[Hughman]

On Pequod, The kitten, Nip, and Captain Farquod, were interrupted in mid activity by a large German woman wearing a black bikini. They gaped, open mouthed, as she spoke. "Vere ist Bob?"

[Another One]

"Aw, jeez," muttered Vice-Rear Admiral Cockspur, overhearing this. "Nobody's called me that in years. Besides, who can keep track of names in this mess anymore?"

[Popeye]

Farquod , struggling with a most desperate urge to call the continuity department , then looked up at the large German woman in a black bikini and wondered how the kitten got stuck in there ..

[TomF]

... until a rather squashed Trojan popped his head out alongside ...

[Popeye]

..the large furry German woman in a black bikini

[Another One]

Suddenly a large tsunami appeared on the horizon. With inexorable force, it swept up: the Pequod, the submarine, the pickle barge, the sea monster, Faversham, Captain Farquod and his ever-present sidekick Nippy, a kitten with opposable thumbs, Dave, Jezzy, Ahab, Monty Hall, Vice-Rear Admiral "Bob" Cockspur, Garth Brooks, Ensign Anarchy, a dozen or so Trojans, and a large German woman in a black bikini, depositing the whole mess of them in various stages of disarray onto the Isle of Wal-Mart.

FEMA, immediately taking charge of the situation, started to pass out shards of fiberglass boats for use in building trailers, and opened an aged herring and roasted seagull distribution center to help feed the displaced mob. Additional supplies were ferried over by the comandeered alien Star Scout and Oscar the VW, who kind of liked this new medium of transportation.

As the new settlement developed, it became famous locally for a rather bohemian atmosphere and an unusual amount of cultural diversity. A number of additional emigrees, including Admiral Ploughskeepie's wife, spontaneously relocated to the area. A benevolent dictatorship, run by Carbuckety in his various incarnations, was implemented, and Nippy was drafted as the head of the secret police. The large German woman in the black bikini took up with the Trojans, jointly developing a number of manufacturing innovations. Ahab and Jezebel retired to a large cave near the center of the island and (thankfully) never reproduced, despite regular attempts. Garth Brooks became a chef and was world-renouned for fusion gourmet items such as his Roast Pineapple with Pickled Herring Sauce.

Years later, a contentedly well-rounded and graying Dave leaned on the hood of Oscar, watching the sun dip beneath the waves in another spectacular explosion of evening color, and said . . .

[TomF]

Danged explosions. You'd think by now that Ahab would know to stop eating potted meat.

The End (?)

[Another One]

Um, I think Dan has to be the one to "call it"?

[TomF]

Um, I think Dan has to be the one to "call it"?Oh sure, hence the "?"

But Dan's busy trying to separate the sheep from the neighbour's goats on another thread ...;)

[Popeye]

.. and retitle it ..

"Revenge of The Large Furry German Woman in the Black Bikini"

[Another One]

I'll try to get him on the phone quick before Dave and Oscar take off on us again (or Ahab eats any more of that d*mned meat). :eek:

[Popeye]

i'm think'n DeNeiro or Pacino opposite Julia Roberts

[TomF]

Oscar and Ahab nothing ... it's the Trojans that have me scared witless. What was I thinking?!

[Another One]

They make me think of that line from "Force 10 from Navarone": useful little insects, aren't they?

[huisjen]

The End!

There. How's that? :D

Dan

[TomF]

I don't remember that ever happening before.

Closure.

For cripe's sake, Dan, before withdrawal hits, get over to the sequel thread. The other addicts got there first.:D